The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
