i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
