I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
