I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
false alarm, still single
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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