so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
