I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
