A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
