allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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