If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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