I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
