I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
