i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
