I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
