Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
