come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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