I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Be still, my beating vagina.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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