just survived the first fart of the relationship.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
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