theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize