A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
