Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
