im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
