then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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