i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
