Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
