He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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