It's like God shit irony all over that family
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."