I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb