i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.