I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
