Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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