She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
