You're completely useless in the revolution.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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