On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
