I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
