As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
