shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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