He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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