I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
