a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
