cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
