If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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