Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
