saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Randomize
