he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
