hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
