I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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