It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
