I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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