I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
