i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
