You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
