ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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