nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
