Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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