I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
How does one acquire holy water?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize