Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
