Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
The air taste purple.
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