I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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