Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
