so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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