Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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