You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
