My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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