i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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